Cassie and Coffee

....I've finally lost everything.

Never realised people could cry so much without becoming dehydrated. I'll come back when the tears stop and I have something good to say.

Bye...

Wondering where it all went wrong. Apart from my kids I have very little to wake up for. The depression is back and he brought his mates paranoia and bitterness. Suppressed anger has woken up and is shit-stirring amongst them. Worst part is I can't trust my feelings anymore. Do I feel like shit cos my mates walk all over me? Or is it the paranoia telling me they are. Am I bitter because of perceived wrongs against me or was I actually wronged. F*k knows! And if you find him give him a kick for keeping secrets. So here I lie in the bath, hating myself more with every passing second and no way out. Well, except via obvious but I guess my kids would miss me for a while...

Now would be nice

I think mine is just about done.  What happens next is the scary part! Even f*kwit is beginning to realise there is something very very wrong at the minute. Doesn't make him give any more of a stuff than he ever did tho!

My little son has just transferred to secondary school.  We still have the grammar school system here which I personally believe gives all children the best chance to do well.  When he sat his 11+ we didn't have high hopes. Not that he is stupid by any means, just more easily distracted and slow in the sense that he has no urgency about finishing school work.  He exceeded everyone's expectations by getting an A. Never saw that coming but I still had my reservations about sending him to a grammar school where everything is very academic and there is no allowance given to children who get distracted, have no sense of urgency, are smart but maybe not overly academic.  I personally felt and still feel he would have been better suited to a secondary school where the pace is a bit slower, more support given to those who fall behind yet without overall standards dropping.  Some say going to secondary school is a failure but I suspect those children will fail regardless of any opportunity given to them and why should the high achievers (we all know who the smart ones were at school!) be brought down to a lower level to stop the less academic ones feeling bad.  I say try boosting the confidence and showing them that passing exams is not the be all and end all and going to university is not always the route to a decent life and find other skills that are as good as the ones the smart kids have for passing exams!!

Got sidetracked a little there. sorry.  Anyway, little son came home the other day and I checked his homework diary. I was so angry when I saw what was in it yet not overly surprised.  Homeworks not completed, in some cases homeworks not even marked in the diary!  He has a detention this week and extra work given to him because he didn't do what he was meant to do.  All my worst fears have shown up within 2 weeks.  While he may have the intelligence to be at a grammar school he doesn't have the speed to keep up and I always felt he would be better off doing very well at a secondary school rather than falling behind at a grammar school.

I tried to discuss this with f*kwit and the shutters came down.  He really doesn't want to know that after doing the usual mum thing of shouting at little son over his missed work, I found him crying at the table and telling me he was useless cos he couldn't do anything.  I never ever want any of my children to feel that they are useless cos some brainbox is racing on ahead of them.

It might settle down in the next few weeks, aftr the summer holidays it's a bit of a shock to the system to be back in the school routine and the new experience the 'big school' brings.  If it doesn't I think I'm going to have to put my foot down and insist he is sent to a school that he will be happy and knowing how smart he is, do very well in.

And the lack of communication from f*kwit is just another nail in the coffin of my marriage.  I usd to think I still loved him a little but I can't be sure of that anymore.  I resent his presence.  I resent the fact that I work, I study, I spend the majority of time with the kids and yet he can't even make my daughter her packed lunch when he decided to go into work late one morning and I'm running round shouting at the kids, trying to get myself ready for work, them ready for school and he's sat on the sofa reading a book!!  Then when he made a wisecrack about me taking his money for the boys for the bus I was seeing red.  Think I passed some comment about alright for some who get up and leave in the morning without a second thought to the rest of us getting out on time.  If he wasn't around I couldn't resent what he doesn't do andI think I would be a lot happier.  Just not sure how to take that step without causing a lot of hurt and upset all round and I guess I still think there's no point making everyone else miserable just for my own happiness.

Time now to go spend the day with the parents and listen to my dad's bigoted views about why society is breaking down, watch my mum get bullied by him then listen to mum whine about how he treats her. All the while my brother is shit-stirring and then leaves me to deal with the fall-out.  The joy!!!

I have been busy. Work, study, back to school and the argument I had on Monday when f*kwit told me that I mattered to him and I told him I didn't. Still waiting for him to say 'but you DO matter to me. You are the love of my life and I don't deserve you" etc etc. won't be holding my breath there!

Will be back properly when I get my head showered for 5 mins and figure out why himself is being nice to me...

...I will be achieving one of my all time wants to do things.

I'm going to stay at the Europa Hotel

Now, you might be wondering why that is such a thrill...especially since it is known as the most bombed hotel in Europe and I live 15 mins away from the place.

And the truth is I'm not sure. Perhaps because it's THE hotel in Belfast.  It was there before all the chain hotels appeared after the troubles.  It was always expensive which made it restrictive and I could never justify just going to stay in it.  To me it's a proper hotel and it has a certain class that, whilst I'm certainly not knocking the other hotels, they just don't have.

So how come I get to go now?

It's my friend's birthday this weekend and she's staying in Belfast. So I priced hotels and the Europa was doing a special offer...that I can afford!!!  I'm grinning like a big grinny thing from grinningland now

Is it Saturday yet???

So bloody angry I want to scream and swear.

I'm angry that people twist what I say and throw it back at me.

I'm angry that people tell me what I'm thinking or feeling and when I disagree it's because 'you'll never admit it but I know it's true'

I'm angry that people even tell me what I'm thinking. Didn't know there were so many mind readers around.

And mostly I'm angry at myself for continually allowing these people into my life and in some cases allowing them back into my life.

Ok, following on from my previous rant...'It Really Gets to Me'...I have a small problem.

Next week M and S will be spending the weekend close by with some others from the previous night.  It is also S's birthday on the Friday and I know they will be out celebrating on the Saturday night.  It is close enough for me to meet up with S.

Do I..

A) Post S's birthday present and card to her home address and leave well alone

Go to the pub with present and card in hand, buy my friend a drink for her birthday then leave after the drink.

C) Go for the night out and to hell with the rest of them. She's my mate too and it's a public bar.

Actually, I have a plan D

Go to bar for drink with hunk of a man to make them all jealous and leave with him again

Like I could find a hunky man to socialise with me...!!!

I have just arranged to go out socially with someone who is a relatively new addition to my life.  We're going with a friend of hers who I don't know at all.  This scares me.  I'm not good with new people Sometimes I have very little to say and I find it difficult to carry a conversation even with people I do know well.

I've decided to take my car so if it all goes horribly wrong I have an escape route.  Wish me luck

1...Nothing lasts forever, even cold November rain.

2...There are worse things I could do, than go with a boy or two

3...Everybody's gotta learn sometime.

3...I tried so hard and got so far. But in the end it doesn't even matter.

4...I've been to paradise but I've never been to me.

5...Sorry's not good enough.

6...We don't have to take our clothes off, to have a good time. Oh no.

7...You don't own me.

8...We all just wanna be big rockstars.

9...When your heart's on fire, you must realise, smoke gets in your eyes.

10..Every rose has its thorn. Just like every night has its dawn. Just like every cowboy sings a sad sad song. Every rose has its thorn.