Well, here I am, back again. Wondering how foolish can one person be.   Maybe it's my destiny in life to have people walk all over me and wipe their feet on the way through.  A lot of people laughed when I got a mug tattooed onto me, but it's very appropriate. I am a mug. I try and see the best in people and 9 times outta 10 they take advantage and leave me feeling worthless.

And I know that I'm the only person who can let people make me feel hurt and let down.  Maybe it is me, maybe it's all my fault that Im such a bad person and I'm always grumbling about something or other.  I tried to get counselling to help me sort out my head and got nowhere.  I can't afford to pay for it so I'm stuck like this.

I have many an argument with an acquaintance, I'd call him a friend but he only wants to know when I'm happy and bouncy and smiley :D  when I'm usually more like this :(  Anyway we argue because he tells me that I'm making myself miserable and that I can change how I feel.  Maybe I can. Maybe I'm just too weak. Maybe I don't care anymore.

Maybe I have to accept that I'm not likeable and I shouldn't even try.  I know I'm on a downer. I know I'm in a bad place and I'm fighting not to allow something that happened to me at the weekend take over my life.  I refuse to be a victim.  But yet I find myself acting like one all the time.  Poor me and my crappy life.  When I should be counting my blessings I'm resenting them.  I love my parents but I can't be myself because of them.  They have certain expectations and I'm a failure in a lot of ways. It's my life but yet I'm always trying to seek their approval.

Maybe that's why I try too hard to be nice to people.  I seek approval from everyone I know.  I feel neglected and jealous when I feel that I'm being ignored in favour of someone else.  I stopped taking my anti-depressants months ago because I couldn't cope with the mood swings.  I know I'm rambling now but it's still not as bad as the lows I was experiencing before.  Maybe I should take myself to to local hills and stand at the top and just scream.  Scream out all the bad feelings and memories and thoughts that keep me feeling this way.  But in the end I have to go back to reality and there's nothing I can do to change that without deeply hurting all the people I love.  And in the end that's what it comes back to. I don't do things so as not to hurt other people and I end up hurting myself. Not sure I'll ever change...