Cassie and Coffee

I have this wierd feeling.  Not quite sure what it is.  Think it might be contentment??  Surely not me of the miserable cow clan!!!

But I think I might have finally figured it out.

1. Avoid people who make me feel bad about myself.
2. Stay away from websites full of people as described above.
3. Delete from msn all those people who are only interested in my friendship when they need a shoulder to cry then tell me they don't want to talk to me when I'm down. (Apparently it gets boring!)
4. Spend more time with people in the real world doing normal stuff instead of moping about cos none of the persons above are talking to me on msn.
5. Find a job that I really like and seem to be good at (even if it is only temporary, it's given me a real boost).
6. Stop pushing away the people who really care even if they can be intensely irritating at times. Cutting off noses to spite faces aint pretty!
7. Accepting that life sucks.  I will most likely have depression of some sort for the rest of my life but I won't let it take over and define me.

Now, how do I keep feeling like this???

My little dog is no longer with us.  She took ill a few days ago, stopped eating, barely moved even when I tripped over her (she had this habit of following me round the kitchen).  This morning she was definitely out of sorts. The kids were standing at the car waiting for me while I hunted for the keys and the front door was wide open.  Normally this would be an immediate escape attempt on the part of the dog but she just lay where she was and looked at it as if to say, I know I should be going somewhere but I can't be bothered anymore.  I was still at work when husband rang asking for the number of the vet.  Seems when he came home she fell over and had some sort of fit.

The dog never came back from the vet.  She was over 15 years old and both the vet and husband agreed that whilst it she could have a treatable condition, in a dog of her age it almost seemed cruel to prolong her life.  She had already been suffering from incontinence since the summer and, naturally, picked the tablets out of her dinner so I was welcomed by little puddles each morning at the back door.  I swear she had an evil streak because I had bought puppy pads for her to use and she went right beside it!

It's hit the husband more than me, even if I get tearful about it every 10 mins or so.  I think the speed with which she deteriorated is a bigger shock than anything.  Even a few weeks ago, whilst obviously older and slower, she was still very active and still barked at the postman every morning.  I suppose in some ways I had been expecting it over the last year or so when you could see her getting older and crankier. Just didn't think it would happen before I got home from work today.  The house will seem very strange without her in it since we got her about 4 months after we first married, just a couple of months after the eldest was born.  I'm sure I'll have a wee sob later when I go open the back door to let her in for the night and she's not there. Just have to console myself by remembering she's at peace now and she never suffered during her life.

Hope doggy heaven is all it's cracked up to be

It's late, I'm kinda tired but I can't sleep.  Started having my christmas dreams already.  The ones where it's 5 shopping days left and I just remembered I have to do all my shopping!

As it is I have one present bought for the eldest (was half price on ebay )  and another reserved, to be collected at that well known high street catalogue shop (I refuse to name it cos then my blog will most likely be inundated with free advertising for it).

And that's something I've noticed lately. Although I'm sure it's been the same all along. When I write a blog, the advertising ties in with it!  Now, I'm not a total numpty head so I'm guessing there some kinda word recognition programme built into the site so they can advertise a similar product to the spirit of the blog.  Not sure if it's creepy or kinda sweet.

Anyway, christmas (I'm testing a theory by mentioning christmas as often as I can here).  The out-laws have called time on our boxing day celebrations.  I do understand this as the family has continued to grow and they aren't getting any younger to cope with feeding the 5000.  Ok, an exaggeration. But this one year there was 21 people in their small-ish terraced house for dinner and that number has been pretty constant,  even with all the new arrivals since some previous years' attendees no longer turn up.

I have no issue with boxing day at the out-laws being cancelled.  My only concern is that I'm feeling the pressure being exerted my direction to do the entertaining since one out-law does their christmas day dinner (we go, under threat of pain and torture, to mother's on christmas day) and another out-law has a christmas eve party for all.  I used to do the new year's eve entertaining but it's a little simpler than a roast dinner for 18! I'm constantly amazed by how far a big pot of beef stew goes   Add in some sliced crusty bread and wheaten and job's a good 'un

Have to go to physiotherapy in the morning with regards to my poor sore foot.  I feel fortunate that I am totally able to walk on it pain free but waking up in the night because I've slept on it at an angle which the ligaments don't appreciate is starting to get a little annoying.  Which reminds me, my youngest out-law has been on crutches for a week because of bruised tarsals or something. I was only half paying attntion to her foot problems after being told the hospital found evidence of an old pelvis fracture.  They seem to think it's when she tried giving birth to the monster baby naturally.  After 2 days she had to give up and he was a cut and shut case. Not sure how a fractured pelvis can be missed but I am more than aware that I am not a doctor, never wanted to be nor ever will have the intelligence to become one in the near future.  Plus, I see how much stress the doctors are in work and I have scary shouty moments in life without adding to them.

Sorry for rabbiting on but it has helped me in my quest to feel sleepy.  Maybe the typing reminds me of work and the brain is hearing one particular doctor droning on and on (not completely his fault, it's the effect of slowing down his tapes to type them up).  I could make a fortune selling his dictation as a cure all for insomnia

Night all xx

I'd love to know what kind of planet I live on where it's ok for teenagers to settle their differences by sending around some thug to beat up a 16yr old.

My nephews (16 & 14) have been having an ongoing spat with a couple of teenage girls in the estate where I live.  Name calling along the lines of fat and ugly (yes, even teenagers pick our vulnerable points) and the girls have retaliated as is only right.  But then there was a major fall out (most of the name calling had been done in that, I like you but I'm gonna pretend otherwise kinda way!) and the girls went home and told their parents what happened. My sis-in-law had a couple of visits from one of the mothers giving off about what the nephew was saying and that he was to stay away from the girls to which my sis-in-law said she was more than happy to keep him away from her if she kept the girl away from her son. All ok so far!

Saturday night my son was out with his cousins and another wee boy.  They ran into the girls who were mouthing off again and instead of walking away from it as I have told my son to do, they stopped, no doubt to mouth back again.  Then apparently the other wee fella lit a firework and threw it at the girls. Had I known this at the time I would have gone through my son like a hurricane which I'm sure he knew so never told me. I have to admit at this point that I have little time for the other wee fella they were with and if I knew my son was associating with him I would have had plenty to say about that too!

Anyway, the boys walked off and went to a local youth club place where later, a relative of the girls showed up and pointed to my nephew and the other boy and said he didn't know which it was but it was one of them that threw the firework.  Now, had someone thrown a firework at my child I would have dealt with it by going to the parents and if that failed to work I would have rung the police to go have a quiet word.  But obviously, this was too sensible for the parents of these girls.  So last night my nephew was followed round the estate by a car.  His friends noticed this and ran off as did my nephew and they went into a local church group to get help.  Some bloke in his 30s (according to my son) followed them in and started shouting for my nephew to get outside.  The nephew said no and the bloke kept telling him to get outside.  So the nephew and the group leader and my son went out where the bloke tried to punch my nephew.  Obviously at this point my son was ringing home and his aunt's house to get us round to deal with it.  Husband went and I got the story when they came home again.

I am absolutely livid that there are people where I live who think that it's acceptable to deal with a problem by using violence.  Whatever happened to teaching young adults to settle their differences in a grown up and mature way without depending on a local thug to go punch the person who upset them.  I, in no way, condone throwing lit fireworks.  I have been assured by my son that it was a third party and if I find out any different he'll be lucky to see outside home or school till he turns 18.

But what I'm most angry about is that I feel unsafe allowing my son to go out with his 2 cousins in the estate where he lives in case some other thug comes along and tries to start another fight!

I did try and warn y'all that this would be a long drawn out saga of events.  I guess when you get emotionally involved with someone for x amount of time it is hard to sever the ties completely.  Long story short I discovered, via facebook, that yer woman's son was taken to hospital on Wednesday afternoon.  I work a 5 min drive away from the hospital.  So I left work at 4pm and decided to go see if there was anything she needed.  Being a single parent I guessed she hadn't got much of  a break from the day's events.  I ended up taking her home at 8pm to pack a bag for his overnight stay and not getting myself home until after 9.30pm.  All of which I did willingly and gladly on the basis that if I needed that sort of help I would hope someone would provide it for me.  We didn't discuss the last few weeks events in any detail. Kept it all very neutral and as I told another friend of mine I'm not about to forget everything and just go back to how it was before.  But it's a start.

Sat my 'exam' today as the final assignment in my current course.  Think it went well enough.  Tried to revise last night but was a bit delayed due to a 3 hour power cut.  Candlelight isn't very good for helping to see to scribble down notes. But it went a lot better than I thought it might.  Had a minor panic attack in the car driving up...my mind went totally blank!  And I'm certain people driving by must have thought I was mental as I was constantly repeating the key points for the question I had chosen.  Get a 3 week break before the next module begins. No rest for the wicked!

Oh, and I applied for a new job this week.  As much as I absolutely adore my current job I have to face the realities of being the temp.  In the last coupla weeks almost all the temporary staff have been let go as a quick and simple way to claw back money needed for the budget.  It's only a matter of time although I may get a reprieve since my other half ( I do a jobshare) is on maternity leave and nobody has been brought into cover her. So not only am I waiting for my marching orders I'm doing a full-time job in the 3 days that I am there. But I must admit, the other girls in the office have been great about everything.  They told me that as much as they'd like to keep me I have to look out for myself and if I can get a permanent post with the same hours then I should go for it.  I'm not certain I'll get it because I'm only back to work a few months after 4 years out but if I get to interview then it will be helpful to get feedback and see what I need to improve on (knowing me...everything!!).

Haven't had much time to brood about how I'm feeling lately.  Every so often I still feel the tears welling up over nothing mostly but I guess that's just part of living with depression.  Maybe this being kept busy thing aint the worst that could happen

I'm meant to be revising for a pretend exam that is next Saturday.  but I find my mind drifting and I'll put it all off to the last minute.  Not sure why I wanted to get a degree now.  I'm definitely not student material. I do ok in my assignments and exams but I'm not spectacularly smart or able.

I guess I wanted a degree because I never got the chance earlier in life.  I was stuck in a job going nowhere with few qualifications and wanted to do something better.  Now I hear horror stories of graduates working for minimum wage because the jobs aren't there and I wonder what will count for more in a few years...education or experience.

Another reason for getting a degree is so that I can support myself.  Right now himself and I are financially co-dependent.  Part of me wants to change that so that I can take over the mortgage if and when I ever get round to separating from him.  I suppose I'm lucky in that we still get along and he thinks everything is ok with our marriage so I have no urgent need to get away from him.  But I do worry that I'll leave it to late and I'll end up wishing my life away.

Last reason, again financial, is to save up for my dream home on a beach.  I know this is an entirely unrealistic dream but it keeps me going thinking that one day, probably when the parents and the children are gone, I'm just gonna walk away from my life and go somewhere else. To do that I need cash, to get that I need a good job and to find that I need educated.

Life sucks!!

So back to my dissection of the welfare state and it's changes in the last 60+ years. Strangely I covered it on a previous, higher graded module so I'm just making sure I'm writing what they want to hear rather than what I remember

I sent 'yer woman' a message through facebook yesterday. And we exchanged a few messages. Then a comment was made that I made my feelings clear and she still couldn't take sides. When I asked what was meant I was told that a mutual friend had shown her a txt I sent asking if I was being unreasonable for getting upset over stuff.  So she took that to mean I was gonna stay pissed off?? I have no idea!!  Or maybe it was her chance to end the friendship with me and she took it and ran.  Left a reply that I had tried getting in contact a few times but I was ignored so I gave up.  I'm sure this saga will run on for a while yet

Meanwhile I was chatting to my dvd buddy (I go sit on his sofa, munch popcorn and buttons and watch dvds) and he knows a few of the details about the history with yer woman.  Was muttering as to whether I should just become a bitch and to hell with it.  He said it wasn't in my nature and I guess he's right. I'm no angel. I can be as bitchy / selfish / sarcastic / 2-faced / twisted as anyone. I have my own faults (being a stroppy cow is the main one, closely followed by my amazing ability of pushing people away) and I'm sure there is plenty being said about my unreasonable behaviour.  But in the end I try andsee the best in people and understand their point of view.

Another online chat buddy told me my main problem is that I expect the same from other people and they will let me down everytime.  Which could also be true.  But is it too much to ask my so-called best mate to accept that I have feelings about how other people treat me?  And to be honest the pictures and comments on her facebook page have only served to rub salt into the wound.

Ok, rant over.

I have a busy enough weekend ahead. Himself is still coughing and snuffling and whatever that noise is he makes before spitting up into the sink We have an invite to attend a 30th birthday party as a family and I even talked him into going out for dinner first.  I suspect he's only agreed to it cos one of his mates is dating the birthday girl and the rest of his family will most likely be there. A night with the out-laws!!! Can't wait...honestly!

Sunday I'm taking my littlies to see a Star Wars exhibition in Belfast.  We went to it last year but only found out about it at the last minute so didn't get as long at it as we may have.  Found out it was back this weekend so they have agreed to get up early on Sunday morning to get there first thing. I may have to leave the party on Saturday night early...shame

Have a good one whatever you get up to

I have several appointments coming up with my doctor.  If you're squeamish then maybe now is a good time to stop reading.

I have a coil fitted and it's due to be replaced.  Before this can happen I need to be tested for Chlamydia (apparently they figured out insertion can cause an infection to flare up if lying dormant) which I'm not looking forward to.  I will admit that just over 3 years ago I got one of those phone calls telling me to go see the doctor.  Everything was clear then but it's still worrying that so many of these infections can be symptomless.

I'm still waiting for the results of my latest smear test.  This was a repeat test which has totally messed with my head.  As most women of a certain age know, smear tests are conducted every 3-5 years.  In April I got a letter telling me that everything was normal but they wanted to see me in 6 months again.  That set off the alarm bells.  I'm not THAT stupid   So I'm wondering if it's a good idea to get bits of plastic pushed through an area of my body that is under investigations...

In the end my smear test will most likely be fine, I will not have chlamydia, and I will be at little risk of pregnancy for another 5 years.  Apparently the PMS that has been inflicted upon me in the last year (never suffered before!!) will cease as it was a side effect of the hormones within the coil being depleted.

That's the theory anyway. Will see what happens...

Still no communication from my ex-friend.  Ah well!

And what do you call an ex-friend. Ex usually refers to a partner as such and we were never lovers (honest, I heard the rumours too but we never went there!!) so what do I call her?

And old friend? Sounds like someone in the past thought of with affection.
Psycho-bitch? She's actually not that bad. I'm just being angry
Limbo mate? Feels a little in limbo cos a part of me is waiting for the txt or the email like all the other times we fell out.

So for now I shall call her yer woman

Friday is upon us once again.  I have absolutely no plans for the weekend bar taxi service for the brats.

F*kwit is unwell and has been all week. So no doubt I shall have to spend time watching him lie on the sofa (deathbed) whilst the kids come running to me everytime they want/need anything.  Funnily he's off out for 'half an hour' to check up something at the club he coaches at. And he made it into work today for a training course.

Was debating today whether or not I should take up drum lessons.  I've always wanted to learn but never got round to it.  Was thinking bashing drums for an hour would be a great stress reliever.  Even though I know that's not gonna happen in a proper lesson.  If I wasn't such a fat cow I might join some boxing thing and go take it out on the punchbag.  Except I wouldn't know where to find one...

Looks like it's my chair and chocolate for company for another weekend...

Going out shortly. Going to take a drive out by the coast to where I grew up (it's only 20 mins away from where I live now).   I'm gonna sit there and listen to the sea and feel calm then try and spend an evening with some acquaintances.

I'm grieving the loss of a friend. The same friend I forgave last year.  I got annoyed at her over something minor and for whatever reason this has caused her to blank me and cut me out of her life.  I don't know what will happen tomorrow or next week or next month but as far as I'm concerned we're done.  I can only take so much of being wrong all the time before I go crazy

Maybe it is me who is in the wrong. My best friend and soulmate tells me that I'm ok. But then he's biased.  It's hard to get an honest opinion.  All I know is I try to do my best and I seem to get it wrong everytime.

Anyway, off to listen to the waves...